What’s The POINT?

Today is Palm Sunday, and I’m not feeling in the Church mood. I’m still going to go and my kids as well, hoping that my mood will change throughout the day. This year has started horribly and April is a couple days away already. I’m sitting in my quite little 2 bedroom duplex, my girls are still asleep. Julia is snoring and I can hear birds outside chirping as the sun rises and shines through my kitchen window. As I sit here and wonder how this year is going to finish itself out I can’t help but wonder what is the point. Why try so hard at something and then in the end it falls apart anyway, what is the point. My family has been hit pretty hard this year by death, illness, and relationship downfalls. My dad is back in the hospital for a dislocated hip after falling down the patio stairs after a freak snowstorm. @1@!@ If there was one thing that I thought could help me ease the sadness and pain of everything this year, it would be to have someone in your life that is there for you. Well that just causes more pain and anguish. Even if they say they are there for you and thinking about your feelings, they’re not. It’s nothing more than excuses to cover up their feelings of being scared, of putting themselves out there and letting go. Nothing but excuses to make them feel better about themselves. I truly believe now that if you are alone you don’t have to worry about missing anyone, and you can think about only you.

Anyway, my mind is full of what if’s, maybe, cants, won’t, why’s, and the urgency to just quit and move on. The sun is coming up and spring weather has set in. Girls have spring break here soon, as for me, I’m doing the best that I can to stay ahead of the semester. I really want to get out and go camping and let my mind just breath for a while.

Although this year has been nothing but chaos, my girls are doing very well in school. Both have excellent grades and are involved in many after school activities. Michelle is playing soccer and loving it. Julia is in orchestra and loving it as well. They leave for their dads for the summer but before they leave in June we will be going to Denver at the end of May. Not really a vacation but more as a memorial for my grandfather who passed away at the beginning of the year. Who knows who will still be married, together, or what not by then. Yes… that’s how this year has gone, it feels like a soap opera and my head is about to explode. I haven’t had the chance to go out and shoot because of all that has been going on. And even then, I’m just not in the mood to do anything. It’s sad I know, but like I said before……………..What Is The Point!

2010 Update.

It’s been awhile since I have updated my blog. I have been very busy lately with school, kids, and well life in general. I have taught two lessons so far and I am in the process of teaching a third this week. My life has been so hectic these past couple of months. The year just hasn’t turned out the way I had wanted it to go. Everyone is still adjusting to my grandfathers passing while my other grandfather had to go in for a heart bypass. He is doing well but having a few issues with his kidneys, which is not a good sign.

Soccer has started for Michelle and the games are in full swing again. The games were cancelled today though because of the fields being soaked. She is doing very well. She loves soccer, I can see her doing this for quite some time too come. Julia on the other hand is involved with her orchestra and environmental clubs this year. Next year she plans on trying out for the school soccer team. I hope she makes it, she too loves soccer and misses it this season. My boyfriend’s son is also playing soccer and he gets really intense when he plays. Michelle is the same way though, so I can’t complain much. Swansboro is a soccer town, and everyone loves the game.

As for me, well like I said before busy, busy, busy. I have come to a road block for right now. I’m not sure if this teaching thing is for me. All hear is negativity from most not all of the teachers and I’m not that motivated anymore. I try to get out of the house and shoot as much as possible to get my mind off of all the things that are wearing me down. My kid leave on June 11 for the summer, I must admit I need a break. I will still be in school but hopefully I wont let it drag me down.

I have been walking on the beach in the mornings as much as possible to try to find some answers to my dilemma. All I know is, is that I’m not leaving NC and if I continue I will do the best that I can. If I decide to call it quits than I will figure something out. I have a great man in my life, and although we have some road blocks to pass I am hoping and praying that it will all work out. This time, I really want this to work, more now than ever.